Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Taking a deep breath here....

My bloggy heart has been missing this.  Avoiding this.  The outlet of putting thoughts into words.  Lacing them into sentences.  And storing them here.  Moments and memories that I want to remember.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Through the reflecting I've been reading the blogs I normally follow, and have stumbled on some new ones.  What's ironic is there seems to be a reflective kind of bloggy theme going around.  Measuring life's changes and challenges.  It's ups vs. it's downs and all the stomach drops in between.  The ebb and flow.  Sometimes you're riding the wave.  And sometimes the undertow pulls at your ankles, eroding the sandy foundation under you.

Through the reading, it hit me.

Quit avoiding it.  Just write it.

So the truth is, I've been depressed.  Not the call ahead and reserve the inpatient bed, depressed.  But, the go back to bed, pull the covers up tight, and set the alarm for school pick up time, depressed.  There is great shame that takes place hiding under those covers.  Shame that I'm not being the mom I am capable of.  Shame that I'm not being the wife I'm capable of.  Shame that I'm hiding.  From everything.  And everyone.

There has been a lot of transition in our lives over the summer.  Some expected.  And some I didn't see coming.  But you know, in unexpected and painful changes there is opportunity for growth.  Even if growth comes through hiding under a big, white, down comforter.

COMFORTER.  Excuse me while I have my epiphany moment.....

I'm clawing my way back.  Because it's what I do.  Survivor.  Type that in pretty script and tattoo it somewhere on this freckled frame.  Because the glass IS half full.  Of chocolate milk mind you.  Because at the moment I'm a little strung out on coffee.

For now, this I know:

I know it's important to allow yourself to feel pain.  To let it out in tears until the tears change from running hot over your cheeks, to cool and cleansing.  To talk it out.  To let it go.  Repeating as necessary.

I know that sometimes we put too much faith in people.  Often it's only through loss that we are actually pulled back to center and what matters most.  And who matters most.

I know that I have an amazing circle of friends that love me beyond measure.  Even when I'm hiding under the big, white, down comforter.

I know that sometimes that circle changes.  And that's ok.

I know that I have a husband that loves me from the inside out.  That listens.  That gets it.  ALL of it.

I know I have very forgiving children, that I would give my life for.

I know that God is here.  Always.
                       He listens.
                       He knows.
                       He gets it.
                       ALL OF IT.
                       He comforts better than any damn comforter I've found.

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